25 and keepin it real yo

When I was a little girl, I had created a timeline in my head of what I should be doing with my life, how old I should be when I was married, and how old I should be when I have kids. I had always thought that I would want to have kids by the time I was 25. Guess how old I am right now? I am 25, without kids, or a husband. I am behind on childish views of living. I also thought I would be successful, educated and conquering the world. Once again, I am behind in those ideals as well. What's funny is, despite myself making choices to put myself in this place, most people are dealing with the same sort of dissolution of their life's ideals. We were told growing up that we could achieve anything and now my generation has spent thousands of dollars and lot's of their time getting degrees to have a career in a time where jobs are scarce. It seems the generation before us were overly ambitious and driven by greed, which now contributes to this great fallout for my friends and peers. Riverside alone has one of the worst unemployment rates around and jobs are hard to come by. We are all having to suffer the disappointment of what we can and cannot do.
For me though, my disappointment runs deeper. I have no good excuses for my timeline not being in alignment with my childish ideals. I made choices that have brought me to this point in my life. I had many opportunities to apply myself and succeed, but became overwhelmed so easily with all of life's silly demands. I see now more than ever that I also lived within the reaction of what everybody else was living. It's so much easier to do that, but then your life gets left not being lived. I could also fore go my responsibility when I was living in reaction to others. Now here I am, finally making decisions and living within the choices that I make. I feel like a pioneer heading to California in a covered wagon in hopes of a better life. This is unfamiliar territory to be responsible for myself and to have be responsible for the lack of accomplishments I have. I am only to blame.
I feel like this is such a transitional point in my life. Sometimes it is scary, because it is unfamiliar, on the other hand, this is the most exciting time in my life. I get to live for me and for God's purposes alone. The self discovery is thrilling, but I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I had always made plans or life goals that I knew would please other people without really considering what I really wanted. I needed people so badly that I would plan to please them, which would then please me. I have learned that always pleasing other people is an endless journey away from your true self. That always was someone I was afraid to please. With my difficult history, I learned I could not trust myself, which led to me desperately trusting what everyone else thought I should be. That led me to being a 25 year old woman, resentful of people not hearing or truly valuing the voice I had to give. I am learning to listen to that voice and to value and trust it. I have to, since I am the one who has to live this life in this body. I guess you could say, I am just "a work in progress".