Chapter 10: My new Beginning

As I am preparing for my trip to Rwanda, I was still finding myself disconnected from the experience. I have trusted in what the Lord has in store for me. I have expressed my lack of feeling divinely called to this trip. When I saw victims of Katrina, I knew I would be there for reasons I didn't understand. It was all so so easy it seemed when God would pluck me from my everyday life and wrap me warmly in the comfort of a new adventure beyond my understanding. I never questioned it or felt fearful. This trip scares me. I have no idea why I am going, but I am old enough now to understand God's faithfulness to a heart devoted to extending his kingdom. That's a no brainer for me. I have felt that this trip was not about the trip itself, but about the faithful preparation God had in store for me. He had to work on my disconnect and create in me a peace about this trip where I have already questioned and experienced fear.

Divine intervention manifests itself in many forms. I have experienced it at so many levels and through so many mundane instances. Mine seems to have come through a book, or rather a powerful story of forgiveness and God's unwavering Love. I have never read a book so fast in all my life. My neck hurts from laying in my bed, trying to find comfortable reading positions. This story took me to places I have been fearful of. It is the story a Rwandan woman who loses her family to the genocide in the most gruesome way. She hides a in teeny bathroom for 3 months with 6 other women. As hopeless as this story could been, it was far from it. She had more peace in that little bathroom then people have in their nice, safe homes. I envied her in that bathroom at times. She was relentless in her pursuit for peace with God and in the end was somehow able to forgive a man who killed her family. It is only through God that that is possible. I sobbed enduring her story. She then concluded with where her life is now and that she has been able to move on and have a full life. This ripped at my heart. I feel as if I have been stagnant in my own growth. Life has moved on, but something has been keeping me back. When I read her story, she claimed the root of her ability to move on was the result of her pursuit of God and willingness to forgive. I then had a piercing moment of clarity. I had forgiven those that tortured me so many years ago. It took me 6 years and people telling that I didn't deserve what I went through to help me to begin to learn to forgive them. I made my peace with God who I blamed for my pain for not intervening at such a helpless time. I forgave everyone who ever wronged me and learn to make peace with them and their situations, so what else would be left? It became abundantly clear to me that the only one left to forgive, was myself. I have spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time making myself suffer and endure a painful eating disorder. I subjected my precious heart and mind to the most awful sin. I am the only one left to blame, and therein the only one left to forgive. No one knows what goes on in my heart the way God and I do. It has been a battle that I have dragged myself through since I was in 6th grade. It started when I doubted God. I think at the deepest level. I had made up my mind that suicide was an answer or if I continued to live, that I would be the one who would have the ultimate control over my life. I have lived in fear ever since. I have had the embarrassing panic attack more then I am willing to admit.

I had taken over control and felt more out of control. As result of this, I have lived in reaction to what other people did in their own life, and tried to live off the scraps of the "control" that they had created. This is a process I believe I am struggling to recover from, but I believe it begins with my learning to forgive myself of my past and my burdened mind. I am hopeful and I feel more connected to this trip then I ever have. I am ready to be transformed for God's keeping.

*You can read this story too. Be prepared to be taken along an unforgettable journey that will lead you to God. It will be a deeper understanding of his love and I believe every person should read it. It is called "Left to Tell" By Immaculee Ilibagi.

Bus stop

I recently attended a friend's graduation at CBU. On the way to meet this friend for lunch, I noticed something strange at the bus stop. There sat a gentleman in his cap and gown waiting for a bus. I thought to myself how strange it is that this man had no friend or loved one to attend his most significant day and take him to lunch to celebrate. Somehow, this man made it to classes and received his degree with no car and apparently no support system. To top it all off, he was wearing the gold chord, which represented his GPA of 3.0 or above. So not only did this gentleman make it to class with all these obstacles, but he was able to push himself to excellence. I regret not turning around and offering to give him a ride home.
This image of him has stuck in my head, especially as I am preparing to go back to school. You could call school my Kryptonite. In the past I have become incredibly overwhelmed, to the point that I would just rather give up then continue on in the madness of my mind. I have overcome major obstacles and I believe I have come out a better woman. No matter what I do, it always comes back to school. I have to do it. I need to do it. My not finishing or attempting to ever face this major fear of mine will be proof of my giving up. I am still not completely certain of the career path I would like to head into. I am what you call an ADD interest whore. I just made that up:) I will become consumed with something and fall madly in love and this will last about 3wks to a month. So I am worried about what I will eventually put myself into. There are people that go all throughout college "knowing" what they are to do and getting out into the real world to find out, it's not what they really want. I knew a woman who went through her BA in Psychology and even finished her master's only to find that she wanted to be a vet. My brother went through college as an Art major, which then turned into an attempt at a teaching credential, only to find he hated that. He is now a Park Ranger. Did you see that one coming? I didn't.
I have run out of my chances to waste money and play around. No more excuses. That guy on that bus stop had everything working against him and he made it through with honors. It is my chance now to push myself through what is adult and the not so fun stuff. I am still fearful simply because of my past with school, but I feel that my head and heart are in a different place. So we'll see right?

Another year gone by. .

This is usually the time of year to begin to make New Year's resolutions and reminisce about the past year. Resolutions for me are usually the same. Lose weight and learn to do the splits. That part is easy. The looking back at my year can bring a smile or sometimes throw me back into the gauntlet of pain I experienced at a time during the year. In this time of reflection, I can say what brings me happiness. That is always to easier start in my reflection.
First off, the happy things

-Chris getting a job that he loves and excels in. I knew he would do well when given the chance, and he has not disappointed me.
-My job at the Mission Inn. I hate it and love it at the same time, but I am mostly thankful for a job.
-Gas went down significantly.
-Chris and I got back together and are better then ever:)
- Baby Collin and Baby Avery were born.
-Tina Fey played an amazing Palin. It's iconic.
-Wounds with friend(s) seem to have healed and found peace.
-HSM 3 came out.
-I saw Wicked for the 2nd time.
-I celebrated a San Fran style Anniversary of 2 yrs.
-My mother opened the first Christian counseling center in Rwanda, Africa.
-I registered to vote. . .finally. I am registered as an "Emotional Republican" and in the next 4 yrs., I will help in determining who the next president will be.
-I bought my first car that I love. She is a Yaris called Roxie Heart and I so thankful for her.
-My broken toe left me out of work with time off enough to be able to spend the holidays with Loved ones. It was a blessing in disguise.
-Heath Ledger played what I believe will be one the most brilliant characters in history. The movie was a thought provoking look at our morality and it was a wildly entertaining movie.

. . .and the list goes on.

This had been quite a year for me. It feels as if my world was turned upside down. Oprah promised it would be my best year and now I don't believe everything she says. I am not bitter at all about these troubles, just a little disappointed.

-My Grandma, the only Grandparent I have ever known passed away. That was a crazy time. My mom put her underwear on backwards and we all lost our minds a little bit. Abby sang a song that started with "Grandma Ginny go to heaven". Thank God for laughter during that time. It was a drawn out process.
-I became estranged briefly with 3 best friends of mine, at the same time. That's quite a pickle. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Sometimes, I guess you have to learn the hard way and I had a lot of learning to do.
-The Mr. Bowmont died. (I am actually kind of relieved that happen.)
-I entered into what is known as a long-distance relationship. It sucks and I wish I could see him everyday.
-Veronica graduated and moved back home. Who does that?
-Bettie Page died.
-My dreaded broken toe. It has been a little ridiculous and I am still out of work. I have surgery on January 23 for my precious toe.
-Heath Ledger died and has now left a hole in the future of cinema(Chris Nolans words, not mine). It is a great loss. It will be a very hard role for someone to take on the Joker the way Heath did and have the same impact.

With all this reflection, I can speak of my plans for this year.

-I am planning a trip to Rwanda, Africa. I am going with my parents who encouraged me to go. This will be a wonderful experience that I hope will continue to go on in our family's history.
-I plan to go back to school. This toe thing has made it difficult for planning. Last time, they told me a week before I would have my surgery.
-I am planning on moving up North after Africa. My life is down here and it has been a difficult decision to make, but Lord willing, I am going to be relocating my life to a place that only feels like home because the man I love is there.
-I hope to be engaged by the end of this year, but everything is in its own timing especially when it comes to something as big as a marriage:)
-I am hoping to be the proud owner of an English Bulldog from a family friend and it will be called Byron or Bingley.

So far that is what I can think of. I hope your year of 2008 was a year that you can look fondly on. This year is your best year, as Oprah would say. We are going to do great things. . . .I hope. Our economy is in a slump and we have a world of problems, but I think we are a more willing people for change, growth and success.