Chapter 10: My new Beginning

As I am preparing for my trip to Rwanda, I was still finding myself disconnected from the experience. I have trusted in what the Lord has in store for me. I have expressed my lack of feeling divinely called to this trip. When I saw victims of Katrina, I knew I would be there for reasons I didn't understand. It was all so so easy it seemed when God would pluck me from my everyday life and wrap me warmly in the comfort of a new adventure beyond my understanding. I never questioned it or felt fearful. This trip scares me. I have no idea why I am going, but I am old enough now to understand God's faithfulness to a heart devoted to extending his kingdom. That's a no brainer for me. I have felt that this trip was not about the trip itself, but about the faithful preparation God had in store for me. He had to work on my disconnect and create in me a peace about this trip where I have already questioned and experienced fear.

Divine intervention manifests itself in many forms. I have experienced it at so many levels and through so many mundane instances. Mine seems to have come through a book, or rather a powerful story of forgiveness and God's unwavering Love. I have never read a book so fast in all my life. My neck hurts from laying in my bed, trying to find comfortable reading positions. This story took me to places I have been fearful of. It is the story a Rwandan woman who loses her family to the genocide in the most gruesome way. She hides a in teeny bathroom for 3 months with 6 other women. As hopeless as this story could been, it was far from it. She had more peace in that little bathroom then people have in their nice, safe homes. I envied her in that bathroom at times. She was relentless in her pursuit for peace with God and in the end was somehow able to forgive a man who killed her family. It is only through God that that is possible. I sobbed enduring her story. She then concluded with where her life is now and that she has been able to move on and have a full life. This ripped at my heart. I feel as if I have been stagnant in my own growth. Life has moved on, but something has been keeping me back. When I read her story, she claimed the root of her ability to move on was the result of her pursuit of God and willingness to forgive. I then had a piercing moment of clarity. I had forgiven those that tortured me so many years ago. It took me 6 years and people telling that I didn't deserve what I went through to help me to begin to learn to forgive them. I made my peace with God who I blamed for my pain for not intervening at such a helpless time. I forgave everyone who ever wronged me and learn to make peace with them and their situations, so what else would be left? It became abundantly clear to me that the only one left to forgive, was myself. I have spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time making myself suffer and endure a painful eating disorder. I subjected my precious heart and mind to the most awful sin. I am the only one left to blame, and therein the only one left to forgive. No one knows what goes on in my heart the way God and I do. It has been a battle that I have dragged myself through since I was in 6th grade. It started when I doubted God. I think at the deepest level. I had made up my mind that suicide was an answer or if I continued to live, that I would be the one who would have the ultimate control over my life. I have lived in fear ever since. I have had the embarrassing panic attack more then I am willing to admit.

I had taken over control and felt more out of control. As result of this, I have lived in reaction to what other people did in their own life, and tried to live off the scraps of the "control" that they had created. This is a process I believe I am struggling to recover from, but I believe it begins with my learning to forgive myself of my past and my burdened mind. I am hopeful and I feel more connected to this trip then I ever have. I am ready to be transformed for God's keeping.

*You can read this story too. Be prepared to be taken along an unforgettable journey that will lead you to God. It will be a deeper understanding of his love and I believe every person should read it. It is called "Left to Tell" By Immaculee Ilibagi.