It is a Gift.

For the past 8 months, I have consented myself to the utmost ridiculous sort of heart trauma. I started out hopeful and excited without knowing what was to come. Now, 8 months later, I am filled with regret. You could even say I am filled with 3 years of regret. It breaks my heart to hear myself say that. My optimistic, hopeful, romantic heart can't bare the tragic reality that lays before me. Recent events have sobered me up to a reality I was afraid to feel. Now I feel it, in all it's failing glory. I am angry, devastated, broken and so disappointed. The funny thing is, in retrospect, I am not all that surprised. I was aware of major character flaws, but ignored them when I was afraid he would notice mine. Nowadays, I would take my character flaws any day over his shallow ways. I feel like it would be really easy to be bitter, depressed and simply devastated for a long-period of time, but that doesn't sound like fun or like it's worth my time. To be honest, it would even be easier to blame him for everything, but I am fully aware of my responsibility. Although, when I accepted full responsibility, I become painfully aware that I could have prevented this long and arduous path towards "wisdom" three years prior.

I choose to see my experience as a gift. . .a gift of understanding into myself, my faith and the truly precious gift of a relationship. This perspective brings me so much more joy than any other way I could see things. It then serves a purpose and makes it all worthwhile. I am still processing everything. . .

After letting go of the hope of a romantic relationship, I was left with reconciling what form of friendship we would have. I now know friendship is not an option for so many reasons. It is so surreal for me to think that I once shared my deepest thoughts, heart and most intimate moments with someone who no longer can be a part of my life. After the anger was gone, I was left trying to understand how this could be a reality.

I am pleased to inform you, that I am happy and peaceful. I slowly, but surely am moving forward towards myself and towards reconciliation of this past choice of mine. My heart feels lighter and my mind is clearer. God is revealing himself to me in a whole new way and I am so happy that he still allows us to be friends after how I have pushed him away and disapointed him.

I definitely am wiser and everything holds so much more significance and value in my life. I am appreciative of the healthy encouraging relationships I currently have and I am grateful for those who stood by me, giving a listening ear to what I now know was a frustrating process. I believe I am finally finished blogging about him:)