Loss of Innocence

I will bare my heart in this time with no regrets. 1. because, I am sure I do not have many people that read this blog and 2. I'd always love to live in the optimism that someone might grasp a tiny bit of wisdom from my mistakes and bold choices. So here it is. I am still currently rolling through the roller coaster of a break up, which I feel I should mention here. . .I hate roller coasters. Metaphorically and real. I don't like not knowing what is coming next and to be taken into dark places. My faith is the constant that holds my hand through those difficult times, but I still find myself wanting to be in control.

This has truly been a grieving process of sorts. Steffanie introduced me to the Jews idea that I get a year of grieving. I am of Jewish heritage, so I am going to embrace that concept fully. So please be understanding at all holidays and milestones that a part of my heart is broken and wishing I could share it with the one person I had envisioned sharing milestones together.

I have many concerns about the coming months or just even how to get to tomorrow. I take it one day at a time like the alcoholics do and do my best to handle what comes my way. A concern that is heavy on my heart at this time is coming to understanding the loss in innocence in my love. I watched the movie "The Reader" and the main concept I understood was that he never fully allowed himself to love completely ever again after being burned by Kate's character. He was young and innocent and could easily, blissfully give his heart away not fearing consequence. As a result, he ended up never being completely available again. I am afraid for my heart. I know the consequence and excruciating pain of loving so fully and then to not have outcome you desired. I gave everything. I remember when I thought Chris was different and it turned out he was, but I thought things would turn out differently. I remember the innocence and sweetness of the days we spent laying on my yellow blanket at school in the middle of the quad. I felt so peaceful and so safe. Our first kiss together was fireworks and magic. I didn't think life could get any better then those moments except for ones we would share thereafter. I allowed myself to love fully and completely. I let him into parts of myself I am even afraid to venture into. I thought it was safe to. Sometimes I knew it wasn't completely safe, but I was desperately trying to hold onto that beauty and innocence that we had shared at different moments. And that made it all worth while. I am still trying to figure out where I went wrong with Chris.

Now, here I am, dissapointed, trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I pray that when I meet the man I am going to marry, that I do guard my heart, but when I am absolutely sure, I will allow myself to love fully and completely. That is challenge of love or least love in my case. It is a responsible adult choice that has consequences. It is not some silly, giggly thing that you can rush into. It involves two hearts, expectations, intimacy, milestones, friendships, hardships, dissapointments, families, dreams, hopes, tears and the most heavenly moments you could ever dream of. We are all deeply flawed and this kind of love covers life's hardships and carries through places God cannot in the physical. But I believe now that there has to be a man who is best for me in all those places. Not just when its easy and good, but even when it is difficult.

So I continue on, one day at a time, in mourning like Jews, attempting to understand love and what went wrong and what I am going to differently. I just hope God still feels I am worthy of being in love one more time:)