How the Deep the Fathers Love for Us

As Easter is approaching and sermons revolve around the Life and death of Jesus Christ, I am reminded of my favorite song. When I was in choir 6 years ago, we sang a song that had the most powerful lyrics that addressed the sacrifice made by our God for us. I always thought this song was beautiful in its arrangement and I loved the message we were giving. We sang that song over and over. Sometimes, singing a song became about remembering my Alto 2 part and following my Teacher correctly. It wasn't until Choir tour at the end of the year in a little church in Northern California that my heart broke for this song. I couldn't contain myself and had great difficulty keeping it together and not allowing it turn into the "ugly cry". Thankfully, it was the last song we sang that evening, so I could get off the stage quickly and let it pour out of me. It beautifully tells the salvation story and reminds me of what a sacrificial gift this was to all of us. I have felt undeserving of this Gift at times and I cannot imagine enduring the pain that Christ did for all of us. I hope that is the message as we approach Easter, that we are reminded of the sacrifice and the amazing gift of His love for us.

LYRICS

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That he should give His only son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to Glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held him there,
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No Gifts, No power, No wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and Resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


This is a version I found on Youtube.com that is similar to the arrangement we sang in my choir.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk5AUSFB9Lc

It is a Gift.

For the past 8 months, I have consented myself to the utmost ridiculous sort of heart trauma. I started out hopeful and excited without knowing what was to come. Now, 8 months later, I am filled with regret. You could even say I am filled with 3 years of regret. It breaks my heart to hear myself say that. My optimistic, hopeful, romantic heart can't bare the tragic reality that lays before me. Recent events have sobered me up to a reality I was afraid to feel. Now I feel it, in all it's failing glory. I am angry, devastated, broken and so disappointed. The funny thing is, in retrospect, I am not all that surprised. I was aware of major character flaws, but ignored them when I was afraid he would notice mine. Nowadays, I would take my character flaws any day over his shallow ways. I feel like it would be really easy to be bitter, depressed and simply devastated for a long-period of time, but that doesn't sound like fun or like it's worth my time. To be honest, it would even be easier to blame him for everything, but I am fully aware of my responsibility. Although, when I accepted full responsibility, I become painfully aware that I could have prevented this long and arduous path towards "wisdom" three years prior.

I choose to see my experience as a gift. . .a gift of understanding into myself, my faith and the truly precious gift of a relationship. This perspective brings me so much more joy than any other way I could see things. It then serves a purpose and makes it all worthwhile. I am still processing everything. . .

After letting go of the hope of a romantic relationship, I was left with reconciling what form of friendship we would have. I now know friendship is not an option for so many reasons. It is so surreal for me to think that I once shared my deepest thoughts, heart and most intimate moments with someone who no longer can be a part of my life. After the anger was gone, I was left trying to understand how this could be a reality.

I am pleased to inform you, that I am happy and peaceful. I slowly, but surely am moving forward towards myself and towards reconciliation of this past choice of mine. My heart feels lighter and my mind is clearer. God is revealing himself to me in a whole new way and I am so happy that he still allows us to be friends after how I have pushed him away and disapointed him.

I definitely am wiser and everything holds so much more significance and value in my life. I am appreciative of the healthy encouraging relationships I currently have and I am grateful for those who stood by me, giving a listening ear to what I now know was a frustrating process. I believe I am finally finished blogging about him:)

Phantom Bed

I am trying to develop good habits. My good habits now revolve around how they can best serve God, my growth, trying to live up to the expectations of my living situation, reconciling relationships, and being more disciplined with school and fitness. The more that I fill myself, mature, and grow is the more that contribute to a healthier marriage. If I have healthy relationships in my life and develop healthy habits to cope, I will be more attracted to Healthy people and create healthier relationships.
I am constantly challenged by this goal of "healthier habits". Habits are difficult to break. They reveal a pattern about yourself that maybe you were in denial about or didn't want to deal with. Its easy to focus on one particular situation where there is conflict, but it is more difficult to look at the bigger picture and admit that it is a bad habit you developed in coping with life. When we allow ourselves to be freed of these ridiculous bad habits, we can be more empowered and be more open to God's molding of our character.
I hope to make 2010 a year of "Good Habits". I'm going to throw out my old useless ways of coping and be abundantly aware of where I can make a difference. However big or small the change is, I want to make a difference and a difference for the better. My bath tub stuff is not a huge deal, but it makes a difference. It's also thoughtfully considering someones small needs. I would like to be in a habit of thoughtfully considering, even the small needs, of those around. I believe God works in that way sometimes to let us know he loves us or cares with just acknowledging just the little needs that we have to get by. He's there, so I want to be there. So this year is a time of honesty, being real with myself and be willing to correct what habits that were developed when I didn't know any better. As we get older, we are hopefully getting wiser and now have the ability to make changes in our habits. I am hoping that we all can be a little wiser, a little more honest with ourselves and others, and be willing to change whats not working for us anymore.

25 and keepin it real yo

When I was a little girl, I had created a timeline in my head of what I should be doing with my life, how old I should be when I was married, and how old I should be when I have kids. I had always thought that I would want to have kids by the time I was 25. Guess how old I am right now? I am 25, without kids, or a husband. I am behind on childish views of living. I also thought I would be successful, educated and conquering the world. Once again, I am behind in those ideals as well. What's funny is, despite myself making choices to put myself in this place, most people are dealing with the same sort of dissolution of their life's ideals. We were told growing up that we could achieve anything and now my generation has spent thousands of dollars and lot's of their time getting degrees to have a career in a time where jobs are scarce. It seems the generation before us were overly ambitious and driven by greed, which now contributes to this great fallout for my friends and peers. Riverside alone has one of the worst unemployment rates around and jobs are hard to come by. We are all having to suffer the disappointment of what we can and cannot do.
For me though, my disappointment runs deeper. I have no good excuses for my timeline not being in alignment with my childish ideals. I made choices that have brought me to this point in my life. I had many opportunities to apply myself and succeed, but became overwhelmed so easily with all of life's silly demands. I see now more than ever that I also lived within the reaction of what everybody else was living. It's so much easier to do that, but then your life gets left not being lived. I could also fore go my responsibility when I was living in reaction to others. Now here I am, finally making decisions and living within the choices that I make. I feel like a pioneer heading to California in a covered wagon in hopes of a better life. This is unfamiliar territory to be responsible for myself and to have be responsible for the lack of accomplishments I have. I am only to blame.
I feel like this is such a transitional point in my life. Sometimes it is scary, because it is unfamiliar, on the other hand, this is the most exciting time in my life. I get to live for me and for God's purposes alone. The self discovery is thrilling, but I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I had always made plans or life goals that I knew would please other people without really considering what I really wanted. I needed people so badly that I would plan to please them, which would then please me. I have learned that always pleasing other people is an endless journey away from your true self. That always was someone I was afraid to please. With my difficult history, I learned I could not trust myself, which led to me desperately trusting what everyone else thought I should be. That led me to being a 25 year old woman, resentful of people not hearing or truly valuing the voice I had to give. I am learning to listen to that voice and to value and trust it. I have to, since I am the one who has to live this life in this body. I guess you could say, I am just "a work in progress".

The Neverending Story

Oh so many contemplative thoughts at this time in my life. As soon as I want to blog it, I have moved on to the next brilliant introduction into myself. I can honestly say that I have hit uber dorkiness with my life comparison to the most brilliant sci-fi movie ever made. "The Neverending Story" has been my favorite movie since its symbolism pierced through my heart and gave me a visual representation of "The Journey" that one must endure. I have been through the swamps of sadness and have even let it overtake me as it did Artex. (I hope I didn't lose you yet. .Just hang on a bit longer, it will all make sense in the end.) Anyone who allows me the opportunity to bore them with my translation of the profound symbolism of this movie, gets an earfull that I am not sure makes sense. It sounds crazy, but as I have matured and grown I have begun to see how different aspects of the movies journey were significant to my experience. One of the first steps in the journey to "leave all your weapons behind". When I began my new life, I had to let go of my Eating Disorder and other shallow manifestations of my insecurities. It was also siginificant that in the movie the responsibility of the saving the world lyed in the innocence of a brave child. As adults, we have so many walls that we have built to keep us out of harms way, so much so that we dont even realize it completely. A child, with their optimism and idealism, could face the growing epidemic of "The Nothing". This is all an essential, vital part of self-reflection or least what I have experienced as well as the author of "The Neverending Story". Another part of the story is when Atreyu has to look into the the mirror that shows him who he really is. Most of us are afraid to really venture that deeply into ourselves. So I have covered most of the bases of the movie's signicant journey experience, I believe. I feel like I am starting my life in a whole new way. Here is my crazy about to slip out. After my difficult break up, I resolved to see a therapist to make sure I transition appropriately and learning all I need to out of my failed relationship. My therapist resembles slightly the demeaner and look of the empress from "The Neverending Story". I know it sounds crazy, but the Lord knew I would appreciate a small gesture like that. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be and finally becoming the woman I always hoped to be. I recommend picking up either the book or the movie. When you are the bold choice of self-reflection, I hope that "The Neverending Story" may be a comfort to you and a sweet reminder of the dreaming child inside you.

Loss of Innocence

I will bare my heart in this time with no regrets. 1. because, I am sure I do not have many people that read this blog and 2. I'd always love to live in the optimism that someone might grasp a tiny bit of wisdom from my mistakes and bold choices. So here it is. I am still currently rolling through the roller coaster of a break up, which I feel I should mention here. . .I hate roller coasters. Metaphorically and real. I don't like not knowing what is coming next and to be taken into dark places. My faith is the constant that holds my hand through those difficult times, but I still find myself wanting to be in control.

This has truly been a grieving process of sorts. Steffanie introduced me to the Jews idea that I get a year of grieving. I am of Jewish heritage, so I am going to embrace that concept fully. So please be understanding at all holidays and milestones that a part of my heart is broken and wishing I could share it with the one person I had envisioned sharing milestones together.

I have many concerns about the coming months or just even how to get to tomorrow. I take it one day at a time like the alcoholics do and do my best to handle what comes my way. A concern that is heavy on my heart at this time is coming to understanding the loss in innocence in my love. I watched the movie "The Reader" and the main concept I understood was that he never fully allowed himself to love completely ever again after being burned by Kate's character. He was young and innocent and could easily, blissfully give his heart away not fearing consequence. As a result, he ended up never being completely available again. I am afraid for my heart. I know the consequence and excruciating pain of loving so fully and then to not have outcome you desired. I gave everything. I remember when I thought Chris was different and it turned out he was, but I thought things would turn out differently. I remember the innocence and sweetness of the days we spent laying on my yellow blanket at school in the middle of the quad. I felt so peaceful and so safe. Our first kiss together was fireworks and magic. I didn't think life could get any better then those moments except for ones we would share thereafter. I allowed myself to love fully and completely. I let him into parts of myself I am even afraid to venture into. I thought it was safe to. Sometimes I knew it wasn't completely safe, but I was desperately trying to hold onto that beauty and innocence that we had shared at different moments. And that made it all worth while. I am still trying to figure out where I went wrong with Chris.

Now, here I am, dissapointed, trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I pray that when I meet the man I am going to marry, that I do guard my heart, but when I am absolutely sure, I will allow myself to love fully and completely. That is challenge of love or least love in my case. It is a responsible adult choice that has consequences. It is not some silly, giggly thing that you can rush into. It involves two hearts, expectations, intimacy, milestones, friendships, hardships, dissapointments, families, dreams, hopes, tears and the most heavenly moments you could ever dream of. We are all deeply flawed and this kind of love covers life's hardships and carries through places God cannot in the physical. But I believe now that there has to be a man who is best for me in all those places. Not just when its easy and good, but even when it is difficult.

So I continue on, one day at a time, in mourning like Jews, attempting to understand love and what went wrong and what I am going to differently. I just hope God still feels I am worthy of being in love one more time:)

Life is Lovely

Here is my honesty slipping out, so bare with me those of you that actually take time to read this.
I am heading into a difficult time in my life. Life has held a lot of uncertainty, but my constant buddy through life's challenges is no longer a part of that anymore. My heart is broken, hopeful, excited for what God has for me, and is just trying find clarity in the messiness of relationships. I know God gave us the Bible to reveal himself to us, but I also see how he gave it to us to figure out how to deal with one another.
I know life is not the movies, but I wish it was. The solution or response always seems so clear as a bystander, but when its real life and you factor in your own insecurities, flaws, and expectations; things can get complicated. In this whirlwind of messiness, I have God to be my focus to deliver me into into his purposes and eventually, things will work out the way they are suppose to. It sounds so easy, right? So far, I have God to be a faithful friend through my doubts and sadness and I hope to refine this sweet relationship with my God.
Life has brought me many challenges and dissapointments that I soldiered on through with my loving family being the most constant supprt for me.I am hopeful in this latest of challenges. It couldn't come at worse time though. My sister is getting married and I am single again. God is funny is how he works in my life. I have come to expect that. For example, when dating Chris, we were long distance and the only way we could see each other was to fly. Of course, the Lord provided free tickets, so I had no excuse for not being able to go. I had to face my traumatic fear of flying. I hated it. . The funny thing is, the Lord knew that Chris was only reason I would ever face my fear so often, but it ended up preparing me to feel more comfortable about flying to Rwanda, Africa. The Lord is funny the way he works and it always seems to come full circle. Challenging times bring the most glory to God and he gives me my fair share of opportunities. I am truly blessed.