When I was a little girl, I had created a timeline in my head of what I should be doing with my life, how old I should be when I was married, and how old I should be when I have kids. I had always thought that I would want to have kids by the time I was 25. Guess how old I am right now? I am 25, without kids, or a husband. I am behind on childish views of living. I also thought I would be successful, educated and conquering the world. Once again, I am behind in those ideals as well. What's funny is, despite myself making choices to put myself in this place, most people are dealing with the same sort of dissolution of their life's ideals. We were told growing up that we could achieve anything and now my generation has spent thousands of dollars and lot's of their time getting degrees to have a career in a time where jobs are scarce. It seems the generation before us were overly ambitious and driven by greed, which now contributes to this great fallout for my friends and peers. Riverside alone has one of the worst unemployment rates around and jobs are hard to come by. We are all having to suffer the disappointment of what we can and cannot do.
For me though, my disappointment runs deeper. I have no good excuses for my timeline not being in alignment with my childish ideals. I made choices that have brought me to this point in my life. I had many opportunities to apply myself and succeed, but became overwhelmed so easily with all of life's silly demands. I see now more than ever that I also lived within the reaction of what everybody else was living. It's so much easier to do that, but then your life gets left not being lived. I could also fore go my responsibility when I was living in reaction to others. Now here I am, finally making decisions and living within the choices that I make. I feel like a pioneer heading to California in a covered wagon in hopes of a better life. This is unfamiliar territory to be responsible for myself and to have be responsible for the lack of accomplishments I have. I am only to blame.
I feel like this is such a transitional point in my life. Sometimes it is scary, because it is unfamiliar, on the other hand, this is the most exciting time in my life. I get to live for me and for God's purposes alone. The self discovery is thrilling, but I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I had always made plans or life goals that I knew would please other people without really considering what I really wanted. I needed people so badly that I would plan to please them, which would then please me. I have learned that always pleasing other people is an endless journey away from your true self. That always was someone I was afraid to please. With my difficult history, I learned I could not trust myself, which led to me desperately trusting what everyone else thought I should be. That led me to being a 25 year old woman, resentful of people not hearing or truly valuing the voice I had to give. I am learning to listen to that voice and to value and trust it. I have to, since I am the one who has to live this life in this body. I guess you could say, I am just "a work in progress".
Friday, November 6, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The Neverending Story
Oh so many contemplative thoughts at this time in my life. As soon as I want to blog it, I have moved on to the next brilliant introduction into myself. I can honestly say that I have hit uber dorkiness with my life comparison to the most brilliant sci-fi movie ever made. "The Neverending Story" has been my favorite movie since its symbolism pierced through my heart and gave me a visual representation of "The Journey" that one must endure. I have been through the swamps of sadness and have even let it overtake me as it did Artex. (I hope I didn't lose you yet. .Just hang on a bit longer, it will all make sense in the end.) Anyone who allows me the opportunity to bore them with my translation of the profound symbolism of this movie, gets an earfull that I am not sure makes sense. It sounds crazy, but as I have matured and grown I have begun to see how different aspects of the movies journey were significant to my experience. One of the first steps in the journey to "leave all your weapons behind". When I began my new life, I had to let go of my Eating Disorder and other shallow manifestations of my insecurities. It was also siginificant that in the movie the responsibility of the saving the world lyed in the innocence of a brave child. As adults, we have so many walls that we have built to keep us out of harms way, so much so that we dont even realize it completely. A child, with their optimism and idealism, could face the growing epidemic of "The Nothing". This is all an essential, vital part of self-reflection or least what I have experienced as well as the author of "The Neverending Story". Another part of the story is when Atreyu has to look into the the mirror that shows him who he really is. Most of us are afraid to really venture that deeply into ourselves. So I have covered most of the bases of the movie's signicant journey experience, I believe. I feel like I am starting my life in a whole new way. Here is my crazy about to slip out. After my difficult break up, I resolved to see a therapist to make sure I transition appropriately and learning all I need to out of my failed relationship. My therapist resembles slightly the demeaner and look of the empress from "The Neverending Story". I know it sounds crazy, but the Lord knew I would appreciate a small gesture like that. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be and finally becoming the woman I always hoped to be. I recommend picking up either the book or the movie. When you are the bold choice of self-reflection, I hope that "The Neverending Story" may be a comfort to you and a sweet reminder of the dreaming child inside you.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Loss of Innocence
I will bare my heart in this time with no regrets. 1. because, I am sure I do not have many people that read this blog and 2. I'd always love to live in the optimism that someone might grasp a tiny bit of wisdom from my mistakes and bold choices. So here it is. I am still currently rolling through the roller coaster of a break up, which I feel I should mention here. . .I hate roller coasters. Metaphorically and real. I don't like not knowing what is coming next and to be taken into dark places. My faith is the constant that holds my hand through those difficult times, but I still find myself wanting to be in control.
This has truly been a grieving process of sorts. Steffanie introduced me to the Jews idea that I get a year of grieving. I am of Jewish heritage, so I am going to embrace that concept fully. So please be understanding at all holidays and milestones that a part of my heart is broken and wishing I could share it with the one person I had envisioned sharing milestones together.
I have many concerns about the coming months or just even how to get to tomorrow. I take it one day at a time like the alcoholics do and do my best to handle what comes my way. A concern that is heavy on my heart at this time is coming to understanding the loss in innocence in my love. I watched the movie "The Reader" and the main concept I understood was that he never fully allowed himself to love completely ever again after being burned by Kate's character. He was young and innocent and could easily, blissfully give his heart away not fearing consequence. As a result, he ended up never being completely available again. I am afraid for my heart. I know the consequence and excruciating pain of loving so fully and then to not have outcome you desired. I gave everything. I remember when I thought Chris was different and it turned out he was, but I thought things would turn out differently. I remember the innocence and sweetness of the days we spent laying on my yellow blanket at school in the middle of the quad. I felt so peaceful and so safe. Our first kiss together was fireworks and magic. I didn't think life could get any better then those moments except for ones we would share thereafter. I allowed myself to love fully and completely. I let him into parts of myself I am even afraid to venture into. I thought it was safe to. Sometimes I knew it wasn't completely safe, but I was desperately trying to hold onto that beauty and innocence that we had shared at different moments. And that made it all worth while. I am still trying to figure out where I went wrong with Chris.
Now, here I am, dissapointed, trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I pray that when I meet the man I am going to marry, that I do guard my heart, but when I am absolutely sure, I will allow myself to love fully and completely. That is challenge of love or least love in my case. It is a responsible adult choice that has consequences. It is not some silly, giggly thing that you can rush into. It involves two hearts, expectations, intimacy, milestones, friendships, hardships, dissapointments, families, dreams, hopes, tears and the most heavenly moments you could ever dream of. We are all deeply flawed and this kind of love covers life's hardships and carries through places God cannot in the physical. But I believe now that there has to be a man who is best for me in all those places. Not just when its easy and good, but even when it is difficult.
So I continue on, one day at a time, in mourning like Jews, attempting to understand love and what went wrong and what I am going to differently. I just hope God still feels I am worthy of being in love one more time:)
This has truly been a grieving process of sorts. Steffanie introduced me to the Jews idea that I get a year of grieving. I am of Jewish heritage, so I am going to embrace that concept fully. So please be understanding at all holidays and milestones that a part of my heart is broken and wishing I could share it with the one person I had envisioned sharing milestones together.
I have many concerns about the coming months or just even how to get to tomorrow. I take it one day at a time like the alcoholics do and do my best to handle what comes my way. A concern that is heavy on my heart at this time is coming to understanding the loss in innocence in my love. I watched the movie "The Reader" and the main concept I understood was that he never fully allowed himself to love completely ever again after being burned by Kate's character. He was young and innocent and could easily, blissfully give his heart away not fearing consequence. As a result, he ended up never being completely available again. I am afraid for my heart. I know the consequence and excruciating pain of loving so fully and then to not have outcome you desired. I gave everything. I remember when I thought Chris was different and it turned out he was, but I thought things would turn out differently. I remember the innocence and sweetness of the days we spent laying on my yellow blanket at school in the middle of the quad. I felt so peaceful and so safe. Our first kiss together was fireworks and magic. I didn't think life could get any better then those moments except for ones we would share thereafter. I allowed myself to love fully and completely. I let him into parts of myself I am even afraid to venture into. I thought it was safe to. Sometimes I knew it wasn't completely safe, but I was desperately trying to hold onto that beauty and innocence that we had shared at different moments. And that made it all worth while. I am still trying to figure out where I went wrong with Chris.
Now, here I am, dissapointed, trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I pray that when I meet the man I am going to marry, that I do guard my heart, but when I am absolutely sure, I will allow myself to love fully and completely. That is challenge of love or least love in my case. It is a responsible adult choice that has consequences. It is not some silly, giggly thing that you can rush into. It involves two hearts, expectations, intimacy, milestones, friendships, hardships, dissapointments, families, dreams, hopes, tears and the most heavenly moments you could ever dream of. We are all deeply flawed and this kind of love covers life's hardships and carries through places God cannot in the physical. But I believe now that there has to be a man who is best for me in all those places. Not just when its easy and good, but even when it is difficult.
So I continue on, one day at a time, in mourning like Jews, attempting to understand love and what went wrong and what I am going to differently. I just hope God still feels I am worthy of being in love one more time:)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Life is Lovely
Here is my honesty slipping out, so bare with me those of you that actually take time to read this.
I am heading into a difficult time in my life. Life has held a lot of uncertainty, but my constant buddy through life's challenges is no longer a part of that anymore. My heart is broken, hopeful, excited for what God has for me, and is just trying find clarity in the messiness of relationships. I know God gave us the Bible to reveal himself to us, but I also see how he gave it to us to figure out how to deal with one another.
I know life is not the movies, but I wish it was. The solution or response always seems so clear as a bystander, but when its real life and you factor in your own insecurities, flaws, and expectations; things can get complicated. In this whirlwind of messiness, I have God to be my focus to deliver me into into his purposes and eventually, things will work out the way they are suppose to. It sounds so easy, right? So far, I have God to be a faithful friend through my doubts and sadness and I hope to refine this sweet relationship with my God.
Life has brought me many challenges and dissapointments that I soldiered on through with my loving family being the most constant supprt for me.I am hopeful in this latest of challenges. It couldn't come at worse time though. My sister is getting married and I am single again. God is funny is how he works in my life. I have come to expect that. For example, when dating Chris, we were long distance and the only way we could see each other was to fly. Of course, the Lord provided free tickets, so I had no excuse for not being able to go. I had to face my traumatic fear of flying. I hated it. . The funny thing is, the Lord knew that Chris was only reason I would ever face my fear so often, but it ended up preparing me to feel more comfortable about flying to Rwanda, Africa. The Lord is funny the way he works and it always seems to come full circle. Challenging times bring the most glory to God and he gives me my fair share of opportunities. I am truly blessed.
I am heading into a difficult time in my life. Life has held a lot of uncertainty, but my constant buddy through life's challenges is no longer a part of that anymore. My heart is broken, hopeful, excited for what God has for me, and is just trying find clarity in the messiness of relationships. I know God gave us the Bible to reveal himself to us, but I also see how he gave it to us to figure out how to deal with one another.
I know life is not the movies, but I wish it was. The solution or response always seems so clear as a bystander, but when its real life and you factor in your own insecurities, flaws, and expectations; things can get complicated. In this whirlwind of messiness, I have God to be my focus to deliver me into into his purposes and eventually, things will work out the way they are suppose to. It sounds so easy, right? So far, I have God to be a faithful friend through my doubts and sadness and I hope to refine this sweet relationship with my God.
Life has brought me many challenges and dissapointments that I soldiered on through with my loving family being the most constant supprt for me.I am hopeful in this latest of challenges. It couldn't come at worse time though. My sister is getting married and I am single again. God is funny is how he works in my life. I have come to expect that. For example, when dating Chris, we were long distance and the only way we could see each other was to fly. Of course, the Lord provided free tickets, so I had no excuse for not being able to go. I had to face my traumatic fear of flying. I hated it. . The funny thing is, the Lord knew that Chris was only reason I would ever face my fear so often, but it ended up preparing me to feel more comfortable about flying to Rwanda, Africa. The Lord is funny the way he works and it always seems to come full circle. Challenging times bring the most glory to God and he gives me my fair share of opportunities. I am truly blessed.
Monday, April 13, 2009
With every good idea comes a copycat
A dear friend of mine recently wrote a list of 22 friends who have in some way or another made an impact on her life. Being 22 herself, the list represented a friend for each year that she has been alive. Recent events in my life have made me reflect and focus on what I am grateful for. I have already flew around the world, had surgery, turned 25, and witnessed the happy engagement of my sister. Life is good and I have a lot to be grateful for. So here is my list:
1. I am sorry to start with my dog, but I will. Its my damn list. Precious, my springer spaniel friend, was a selfish, self serving, gluttonus, diva and I enjoyed every minute of her. I would be crying over some failed realtionship and she would be there. . .making me rub her belly while I sobbed. She brought so much joy and spent 10 years of her life apart of our family.
2. Nikki Moulton. . .My high school buddy who introduced me to many new things and gave me a lot of fun memories. She helped through my anorexia by offering these profound words, "It's just cheese. You can eat it. It's not scary." So simple, but it started to change my life.
3. Steffanie Wallace. . .My church friend who brought me a wonderful friendship and many warm memories. I am thankful I knew her.
4. The Eating Disorder Staff and friends at the LLMBC. . .I know it's not one person, but all collectively changed my life and introduced me to the light at the end of the tunnel.
5. Miss Bettie Page. . .Your testimony and your life changed how I wanted to see myself and gave me courage to be a better woman.
6. Tina Faris. . .You showed me a loving, attentive friendship that I had never known. You brought me happiness and warm, ridiculous memories.
7. Amy McClain. . .The woman who knows everybody and gives the best hugs. You inspired me and challenged me.
8. Annie Ludes. . ."You made my light days lighter".
9. Macall Rager. . .You taught me style and class.
10. Jamie Peterson. . .You are one of the most encouraging, validating people I have ever known. I aspire to live as vocal as you do with your gifts of words.
11. Melissa Meador. . .My favorite ballerina. I aspire to have your grace and thoughtful heart.
12. Walter Ponce. ..Taught me creativity, love of myself, confidence and everything that is crazy and fun.
13. Carissa Keppelin. . .Has one of the sweetest hearts and best laugh of anyone I know. I feel like my best self when I am around her.
14. Cece Chavez. . .My college roomate who moved all the furniture around every two days. She is silly, lovely and talented. I feel privelaged to know her.
15. Judy Garland. . .I aspire to have your wit, presence and ability to entertain. I am in awe of your effortless talent.
16. Greg Albert. . .For introducing me to what it's like to date your best friend and for being my first date that wanted to pray before we ate. You were a gift.
17. Abby Gonzalez. . .For being my best buddy, teaching me so much, and bringing so much joy. I will always adore you.
18. Mark Gonzalez. . .For being one of the most consistent people in my life. You have been such a dear friend. I cherish your friendship.
19. immaculee ilibagiza. . .For giving your story of forgiveness. I will always think of you when I have to swallow my pride and take steps to forgiveness. You are the ultimate example.
20. CoCo Watson. . .You introduced me to The Cheno, all things theater and a world that I am most proud to be a part of.
21. Edith Piaf. . .You have brought me so much inspiration and I think we would have been the best of friends with the most drama.
22. Veronica Miele. . .You are talented and convicted and I appreciate everything about you. You are a wonderful edition to my life.
23. Joann Cannon. . .For being my wild and crazy great aunt with a sass and boldness that I love and appreciate.
24. Grandpa Harvey Metcalf. . .For being the only Grandpa that I have ever known. I might marry Chris just so you could officially be my Grandpa. There has always been a void in the place where a Grandpa should be and you fill it with such kindness and joy. I will never forget blueberry pancakes, coffee, and hours of stories:)
25. And last but not least. .Chris Metcalf. . .You have made me into a better woman then I ever thought I could be. I will forever be grateful for how love me and what you have brought to my life. My life is sweeter and more challenging with in it and I wouldnt change a thing:)
Thank you all. . .What you meant to me is priceless. Thank you for making me a better woman:)
1. I am sorry to start with my dog, but I will. Its my damn list. Precious, my springer spaniel friend, was a selfish, self serving, gluttonus, diva and I enjoyed every minute of her. I would be crying over some failed realtionship and she would be there. . .making me rub her belly while I sobbed. She brought so much joy and spent 10 years of her life apart of our family.
2. Nikki Moulton. . .My high school buddy who introduced me to many new things and gave me a lot of fun memories. She helped through my anorexia by offering these profound words, "It's just cheese. You can eat it. It's not scary." So simple, but it started to change my life.
3. Steffanie Wallace. . .My church friend who brought me a wonderful friendship and many warm memories. I am thankful I knew her.
4. The Eating Disorder Staff and friends at the LLMBC. . .I know it's not one person, but all collectively changed my life and introduced me to the light at the end of the tunnel.
5. Miss Bettie Page. . .Your testimony and your life changed how I wanted to see myself and gave me courage to be a better woman.
6. Tina Faris. . .You showed me a loving, attentive friendship that I had never known. You brought me happiness and warm, ridiculous memories.
7. Amy McClain. . .The woman who knows everybody and gives the best hugs. You inspired me and challenged me.
8. Annie Ludes. . ."You made my light days lighter".
9. Macall Rager. . .You taught me style and class.
10. Jamie Peterson. . .You are one of the most encouraging, validating people I have ever known. I aspire to live as vocal as you do with your gifts of words.
11. Melissa Meador. . .My favorite ballerina. I aspire to have your grace and thoughtful heart.
12. Walter Ponce. ..Taught me creativity, love of myself, confidence and everything that is crazy and fun.
13. Carissa Keppelin. . .Has one of the sweetest hearts and best laugh of anyone I know. I feel like my best self when I am around her.
14. Cece Chavez. . .My college roomate who moved all the furniture around every two days. She is silly, lovely and talented. I feel privelaged to know her.
15. Judy Garland. . .I aspire to have your wit, presence and ability to entertain. I am in awe of your effortless talent.
16. Greg Albert. . .For introducing me to what it's like to date your best friend and for being my first date that wanted to pray before we ate. You were a gift.
17. Abby Gonzalez. . .For being my best buddy, teaching me so much, and bringing so much joy. I will always adore you.
18. Mark Gonzalez. . .For being one of the most consistent people in my life. You have been such a dear friend. I cherish your friendship.
19. immaculee ilibagiza. . .For giving your story of forgiveness. I will always think of you when I have to swallow my pride and take steps to forgiveness. You are the ultimate example.
20. CoCo Watson. . .You introduced me to The Cheno, all things theater and a world that I am most proud to be a part of.
21. Edith Piaf. . .You have brought me so much inspiration and I think we would have been the best of friends with the most drama.
22. Veronica Miele. . .You are talented and convicted and I appreciate everything about you. You are a wonderful edition to my life.
23. Joann Cannon. . .For being my wild and crazy great aunt with a sass and boldness that I love and appreciate.
24. Grandpa Harvey Metcalf. . .For being the only Grandpa that I have ever known. I might marry Chris just so you could officially be my Grandpa. There has always been a void in the place where a Grandpa should be and you fill it with such kindness and joy. I will never forget blueberry pancakes, coffee, and hours of stories:)
25. And last but not least. .Chris Metcalf. . .You have made me into a better woman then I ever thought I could be. I will forever be grateful for how love me and what you have brought to my life. My life is sweeter and more challenging with in it and I wouldnt change a thing:)
Thank you all. . .What you meant to me is priceless. Thank you for making me a better woman:)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Around the World in 18 Days
I am back to reality. Back to waking up in my own bed, brushing my teeth with tap water, eating food that doesn't taste funny, and not being sick from a weekly dose of malaria pill. I made it! I am not sure where to begin with what this experience has meant to me. I am still processing it and trying to dissect what this whole trip. To begin, it was jammed packed with powerful experiences that I know I could have only had by taking the long journey to Africa. I am glad I did and I am glad I have that experience to share with my children and grandchildren to hopefully inspire them to step out of their comfort zones.
The flight, as most of you know, was what I woke up in the middle of night freaking out over the possible trauma of what flying for 20 hours would do for my fears. I am happy to say, I did good. I flew fearfully and bravely, but I was not without armor. I surrendered to Gods purposes for this trip and experienced a complete peace that allowed me to not stress over turbulence. It was a miracle.
The first week was pretty busy. I experienced off and on nausea from the dreaded malaria pill and struggled to feel like myself in a foreign place.
On Monday, we went and spoke with workers of the counseling center my mom had founded. It was neat to hear how committed they were to bringing reconciliation and healing to their people. They work without getting paid.
On Tuesday, we went back the the counseling center to take one of the social workers to a woman who has been a client of hers. The client, Domina, is an HIV+ woman who is caring for 10 kids. She lives in a teeny, unsanitary 3 room house. We spent time counseling her and praying for healing for her. The amazing part was after we finished praying for her, she asked if she could pray for us. She prayed for 45 minutes for the journey the Lord has for us. I was in awe of this woman of faith. We thought we came to help her and she only wanted to offer us what she could. I lost it during her prayer when she said, "Thank you Lord for the protection and safety for their journey here." I took that as prayer over the dreaded plane ride to get there. It felt like a divine moment.
On Wednesday, we experienced one of our most incredible days. We met with the people of PHARP, an organization devoted to peace and reconciliation. The first place we went to was one of their organizations where they teach young girls skills such as sewing so that they have a skill to acquire an income. They also hear bible teachings everyday and attempt to receive healing for their painful past. They greeted us with the most beautiful, upbeat singing. They made us dance. It was delightful. I cherish that time. After we spent some time with them, we headed out towards a village in their version of the mountains. It was extremely impoverished and had the least amount of modern necessities. We stopped at a place where had to hike to our destination. I was carrying my carry on luggage filled with school supplies for kids that might need it. I had to roll it over a trail that had many rocks and was very hilly. We saw many children along the way. They were very dirty and had torn, old clothes. One boy we saw walked around holding up his dirty sweatpants. If he let go of them, they would fall to his ankles and reveal a body with no undergarments. This was poorest people I would see on the whole trip. We finally made it to our destination. There were many workers, men and women who cared for what they called a peace garden. It was peace garden because of who were responsible for tending to it. Victims of the genocide and killers from the genocide would work together to keep this garden surviving. It was an incredible sight to know these pained people could come together and attempt to find reconciliation with one another. We headed off to a church where we heard testimonials from the victims of genocide. A girl about 19, spoke of how she witnessed the killing of her father by a machete. The killer came to her years later, begging for her forgiveness. He asked many times and she refused, until she realized she needed to forgive to move on. In the middle of these testimonies I found myself needing to use the restroom and that would lead me to my first encounter with their version of a bathroom, which was hole in the ground surrounded by walls. When I came back, I heard another story of a killer who struggled with what he did and has taken steps to ask for forgiveness from those impacted by his offense. We heard another woman's story who lost many members of her family. The killer is a part of her community. She struggled to forgive him and then finally did. When she tried to communicate with the killer, he has refused to repent and ask for forgiveness. She is in pain over his unwillingness. It was painful to hear their stories and haunting. I was grateful for the work that PHARP is trying to do. It seems to have been helpful. One of their most committed workers has had a painful past with the genocide. He lost his wife and 2 daughters. He spoke of his painful journey to forgiveness. You could still see the pain in his eyes even though there was peace about the situation. As we left, I received the most warm, appreciative hugs from the village women. They had most rough hands. They were precious and I was honored to be in their presence. After leaving there, I saw a primary school that was just getting out and I asked if we could stop so that I may give them the school supplies I had brought. We got out of the car and were swarmed with hundreds of school children who said hello and wanted to touch our hands. It took me 30 minutes to get 50 ft to where we would give the school supplies. I picked up one child who buried her head in my chest from embarrassment. Another child put his hand out to touch and then pulled quickly out of fear of touching my white skin. I presented all my school supplies and they seemed to be very appreciative. I was grateful for 99 cent store for providing me the opportunity to buy good quality supplies that wouldn't break my budget.
On Friday, I got the chance to contribute to a training seminar. My mom was the main speaker addressing gender violence and conflict resolution. I offered examples from Chris and I's relationship where we had to learn how to understand and resolve our own conflicts. The professor had me write down one of my examples so that he could use it later. It was a productive day, but I ate something at lunch that I would regret in the following days. I think it was goat, but it tasted like the smelly, unsanitary village, and like goat smells when its alive. It was awful.
Before the sickness overtook me, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to an orphanage where we handed out soccer balls, jerseys, balloon animals and I organized a friendly game of duck duck goose. I fell in love with a little girl name Florence who only spoke french. She cuddled up with me and stayed very close. I put lip gloss on her and taught her to smack her lips together to get the lipstick rubbed in to her lips. It was very cute.
The next 3 days I would be sick in bed feeling like I was on a cruise ship. It was terrible and I missed out on getting to participate in some things. I don't usually get homesick, but its funny when you're sick, that's when you miss the comforts of home the most. I was miserable, but I got watch a lot of weird movies.
By Wednesday, I was feeling better. I pushed myself to ride with my mother to Gitirama to help with her seminar teaching pastors. She spoke for 4 hours. She said some controversial things regarding gender violence. The funny thing is, they didn't have a strong reaction to anything she was saying until she said taught about marriage conflicts. She told them that there needs to be a difference between need and want when asking your partner for something. Her example she gave was, "If your wife says I need you to tell me that you love me everyday, then you do it." There was an outcry. The men stated that they work hard, why would they need to tell her they love everyday, she should already know. The 5 love languages book has not hit Rwanda, but I think it could be helpful:)
That was our last work day and we spent our last day in Rwanda attending the ceremony for the law enforcement and firemen. It was a bittersweet end to a significant time. To debrief before our trip home, we planned a trip to Akagera game park. The first night, we stayed in Kibungo at place where I slept with lights on and my eyes open. There were plenty of mosquito's and geckos wandering around all too closely. I had the privilege of sharing a shower with a nosy gecko. I screamed bloody murder when I saw it and forced my mother to stand closely while I finished showering in this vulnerable state. We all decided that the next night, we would stay at the Akagera lodge. It was beautiful and breathtaking. It was more expensive, but there was candy on my pillow instead of a gecko. I was happy about that. We had the wonderful opportunity to see giraffes, zebras, cape Buffalo, baboons, gazelles, and impalas all in their natural habitat. It was amazing. God is amazing for creating such majestic creatures.
On the way out of the game park, we stopped and handed out candy, fruit snacks and t-shirts. The kids loved it! I had 2 small bottles of perfume with me and I gave them hardworking village women on the side of the road. I am hoping they weren't insulted by my kind gesture. We continued on handing out water bottles to children. We started to run out of things to give, but one of our team members had zone bars left to give. So there is a small child in a village who is the zone diet. It was nice to be able to give as we were leaving this place that had been our home for 2 wks.
Rwanda was beautiful. It looked like Hawaii with its banana trees and green foliage everywhere. The people were warm and hospitable. It was a wonderful opportunity and I feel blessed to have been able to be a part of it.
The flight, as most of you know, was what I woke up in the middle of night freaking out over the possible trauma of what flying for 20 hours would do for my fears. I am happy to say, I did good. I flew fearfully and bravely, but I was not without armor. I surrendered to Gods purposes for this trip and experienced a complete peace that allowed me to not stress over turbulence. It was a miracle.
The first week was pretty busy. I experienced off and on nausea from the dreaded malaria pill and struggled to feel like myself in a foreign place.
On Monday, we went and spoke with workers of the counseling center my mom had founded. It was neat to hear how committed they were to bringing reconciliation and healing to their people. They work without getting paid.
On Tuesday, we went back the the counseling center to take one of the social workers to a woman who has been a client of hers. The client, Domina, is an HIV+ woman who is caring for 10 kids. She lives in a teeny, unsanitary 3 room house. We spent time counseling her and praying for healing for her. The amazing part was after we finished praying for her, she asked if she could pray for us. She prayed for 45 minutes for the journey the Lord has for us. I was in awe of this woman of faith. We thought we came to help her and she only wanted to offer us what she could. I lost it during her prayer when she said, "Thank you Lord for the protection and safety for their journey here." I took that as prayer over the dreaded plane ride to get there. It felt like a divine moment.
On Wednesday, we experienced one of our most incredible days. We met with the people of PHARP, an organization devoted to peace and reconciliation. The first place we went to was one of their organizations where they teach young girls skills such as sewing so that they have a skill to acquire an income. They also hear bible teachings everyday and attempt to receive healing for their painful past. They greeted us with the most beautiful, upbeat singing. They made us dance. It was delightful. I cherish that time. After we spent some time with them, we headed out towards a village in their version of the mountains. It was extremely impoverished and had the least amount of modern necessities. We stopped at a place where had to hike to our destination. I was carrying my carry on luggage filled with school supplies for kids that might need it. I had to roll it over a trail that had many rocks and was very hilly. We saw many children along the way. They were very dirty and had torn, old clothes. One boy we saw walked around holding up his dirty sweatpants. If he let go of them, they would fall to his ankles and reveal a body with no undergarments. This was poorest people I would see on the whole trip. We finally made it to our destination. There were many workers, men and women who cared for what they called a peace garden. It was peace garden because of who were responsible for tending to it. Victims of the genocide and killers from the genocide would work together to keep this garden surviving. It was an incredible sight to know these pained people could come together and attempt to find reconciliation with one another. We headed off to a church where we heard testimonials from the victims of genocide. A girl about 19, spoke of how she witnessed the killing of her father by a machete. The killer came to her years later, begging for her forgiveness. He asked many times and she refused, until she realized she needed to forgive to move on. In the middle of these testimonies I found myself needing to use the restroom and that would lead me to my first encounter with their version of a bathroom, which was hole in the ground surrounded by walls. When I came back, I heard another story of a killer who struggled with what he did and has taken steps to ask for forgiveness from those impacted by his offense. We heard another woman's story who lost many members of her family. The killer is a part of her community. She struggled to forgive him and then finally did. When she tried to communicate with the killer, he has refused to repent and ask for forgiveness. She is in pain over his unwillingness. It was painful to hear their stories and haunting. I was grateful for the work that PHARP is trying to do. It seems to have been helpful. One of their most committed workers has had a painful past with the genocide. He lost his wife and 2 daughters. He spoke of his painful journey to forgiveness. You could still see the pain in his eyes even though there was peace about the situation. As we left, I received the most warm, appreciative hugs from the village women. They had most rough hands. They were precious and I was honored to be in their presence. After leaving there, I saw a primary school that was just getting out and I asked if we could stop so that I may give them the school supplies I had brought. We got out of the car and were swarmed with hundreds of school children who said hello and wanted to touch our hands. It took me 30 minutes to get 50 ft to where we would give the school supplies. I picked up one child who buried her head in my chest from embarrassment. Another child put his hand out to touch and then pulled quickly out of fear of touching my white skin. I presented all my school supplies and they seemed to be very appreciative. I was grateful for 99 cent store for providing me the opportunity to buy good quality supplies that wouldn't break my budget.
On Friday, I got the chance to contribute to a training seminar. My mom was the main speaker addressing gender violence and conflict resolution. I offered examples from Chris and I's relationship where we had to learn how to understand and resolve our own conflicts. The professor had me write down one of my examples so that he could use it later. It was a productive day, but I ate something at lunch that I would regret in the following days. I think it was goat, but it tasted like the smelly, unsanitary village, and like goat smells when its alive. It was awful.
Before the sickness overtook me, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to an orphanage where we handed out soccer balls, jerseys, balloon animals and I organized a friendly game of duck duck goose. I fell in love with a little girl name Florence who only spoke french. She cuddled up with me and stayed very close. I put lip gloss on her and taught her to smack her lips together to get the lipstick rubbed in to her lips. It was very cute.
The next 3 days I would be sick in bed feeling like I was on a cruise ship. It was terrible and I missed out on getting to participate in some things. I don't usually get homesick, but its funny when you're sick, that's when you miss the comforts of home the most. I was miserable, but I got watch a lot of weird movies.
By Wednesday, I was feeling better. I pushed myself to ride with my mother to Gitirama to help with her seminar teaching pastors. She spoke for 4 hours. She said some controversial things regarding gender violence. The funny thing is, they didn't have a strong reaction to anything she was saying until she said taught about marriage conflicts. She told them that there needs to be a difference between need and want when asking your partner for something. Her example she gave was, "If your wife says I need you to tell me that you love me everyday, then you do it." There was an outcry. The men stated that they work hard, why would they need to tell her they love everyday, she should already know. The 5 love languages book has not hit Rwanda, but I think it could be helpful:)
That was our last work day and we spent our last day in Rwanda attending the ceremony for the law enforcement and firemen. It was a bittersweet end to a significant time. To debrief before our trip home, we planned a trip to Akagera game park. The first night, we stayed in Kibungo at place where I slept with lights on and my eyes open. There were plenty of mosquito's and geckos wandering around all too closely. I had the privilege of sharing a shower with a nosy gecko. I screamed bloody murder when I saw it and forced my mother to stand closely while I finished showering in this vulnerable state. We all decided that the next night, we would stay at the Akagera lodge. It was beautiful and breathtaking. It was more expensive, but there was candy on my pillow instead of a gecko. I was happy about that. We had the wonderful opportunity to see giraffes, zebras, cape Buffalo, baboons, gazelles, and impalas all in their natural habitat. It was amazing. God is amazing for creating such majestic creatures.
On the way out of the game park, we stopped and handed out candy, fruit snacks and t-shirts. The kids loved it! I had 2 small bottles of perfume with me and I gave them hardworking village women on the side of the road. I am hoping they weren't insulted by my kind gesture. We continued on handing out water bottles to children. We started to run out of things to give, but one of our team members had zone bars left to give. So there is a small child in a village who is the zone diet. It was nice to be able to give as we were leaving this place that had been our home for 2 wks.
Rwanda was beautiful. It looked like Hawaii with its banana trees and green foliage everywhere. The people were warm and hospitable. It was a wonderful opportunity and I feel blessed to have been able to be a part of it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Oscar's
I have been a fan of the Oscar's for many years. It has been my dream to be there one day sporting the most glorious dress I could find and making charming jokes with interviewers, but alas it was not my year. It wasn't my year, but it was Kate Winslet's! She is my favorite, so it kinda feels like a victory for the both of us. After 6 nominations, she had finally won and didn't have to continue with her "I didn't win face" when someone else won. When they called out her name, I screamed with joy and cried in happiness over this long awaited moment. Her speech did not disappoint with her Dad whistling to let her know where he was sitting and saying how she had practiced this speech a million times with a shampoo bottle. She replies with such charm, "Well it's not a shampoo bottle anymore!" She thanked Peter Jackson, the director responsible for giving her her first feature film in heavenly creatures. She thanked Emma Thompson who was responsible for being a mentor and putting her in her first Oscar nominated film, Sense and Sensibility. It was lovely for her to honor those that gave her her break. She had really been waiting all her life to win this little gold statue and the moment finally came.
It really was one of the best Oscar's of all time. Hugh Jackman did a phenomenal job hosting with grace, charm and skill. His opening number was ridiculously brilliant. I loved that he honored the movies in a way that represented our hard economic times. It is difficult to witness such glamour and excess when unemployment is at it's highest in years. So I thought it was much more appropriate to see Hugh singing and dancing to a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire set for Slumdog with pizza boxes as the computer screens. The part that made me laugh the most and still does when I think about it was, Hugh dancing with dancers in spacey, high tech looking outfits and a strobe light flashing. I thought to myself, "What movie is this?" He then starts singing, "The Reader. I didn't have enough time to see The Reader." The Reader as some of you might know is about an ex-Nazi who falls in love with a teenage boy, so I am glad Hugh did things the way he did. It was honest, hilarious and brilliant. It seems sometimes, that no matter how many Oscar nominated movies you try to see, there is always one that doesn't make the cut. I was happy to see Slumdog Millionaire win so many times as well as take top honor of Best Picture. This movie almost went straight to DVD, but the director didn't give up on this movie and I am glad. It is a beautiful story of the human heart and a story that should inspire everyone.
My favorite part of the Oscar's was the way they presented the main categories of best actor and best supporting roles. They had past winners like Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren, Shirley Mclain and others to not only help present, but say something to honor each of the nominees. My heart was so happy to see this display of affection. I would have been so humbled to have Sophia Loren say something lovely to me. She is a goddess and she holds a special place in my heart. I get choked up just thinking about what a powerful moment that must have been. All those actresses who had inspired me and created such memorable characters. That's what the Oscar's is about and they did a fabulous job.
It really was one of the best Oscar's of all time. Hugh Jackman did a phenomenal job hosting with grace, charm and skill. His opening number was ridiculously brilliant. I loved that he honored the movies in a way that represented our hard economic times. It is difficult to witness such glamour and excess when unemployment is at it's highest in years. So I thought it was much more appropriate to see Hugh singing and dancing to a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire set for Slumdog with pizza boxes as the computer screens. The part that made me laugh the most and still does when I think about it was, Hugh dancing with dancers in spacey, high tech looking outfits and a strobe light flashing. I thought to myself, "What movie is this?" He then starts singing, "The Reader. I didn't have enough time to see The Reader." The Reader as some of you might know is about an ex-Nazi who falls in love with a teenage boy, so I am glad Hugh did things the way he did. It was honest, hilarious and brilliant. It seems sometimes, that no matter how many Oscar nominated movies you try to see, there is always one that doesn't make the cut. I was happy to see Slumdog Millionaire win so many times as well as take top honor of Best Picture. This movie almost went straight to DVD, but the director didn't give up on this movie and I am glad. It is a beautiful story of the human heart and a story that should inspire everyone.
My favorite part of the Oscar's was the way they presented the main categories of best actor and best supporting roles. They had past winners like Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren, Shirley Mclain and others to not only help present, but say something to honor each of the nominees. My heart was so happy to see this display of affection. I would have been so humbled to have Sophia Loren say something lovely to me. She is a goddess and she holds a special place in my heart. I get choked up just thinking about what a powerful moment that must have been. All those actresses who had inspired me and created such memorable characters. That's what the Oscar's is about and they did a fabulous job.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Abby's Aquatic Adventures
It has been a dream of mine to for quite sometime to write my very own children's book. I knew that it would be called "Abby's Aquatic Adventures" and I knew it would be stories of her adventures with Marine Animals, but I never had a clear vision for how I wanted the stories to play out. Now I do! It hit me while I was in training for my trip to Rwanda. I wrote the story as soon as I got home. It's the story of two Manatees who learn to forgive the person who injured them severely. It's an important message disguised with the majestic wonder of Manatees.
Forgiveness has taken on more significance as I am preparing for my trip to Rwanda. These people have endured the most horrific of circumstances and have every reason to be angry and bitter. I learned the hard way, hanging on to that kind of anger and bitterness only hurts you and your loved ones. I experienced a "trauma" in my life and had a hard time recovering. This is going to be my message to Rwanda, that from that trauma, I chose to forgive. It wasn't my first choice. I carried the pain of it for 6 years before letting go. Even more amazing is one of the people responsible for that pain ran into me while I was working at Forest Home and told me while I was life-guarding, "I don't know if you remember me, but I am sorry if I was ever a bitch to you. I have been praying for you ever since." Not many people get that kind of random act of redemption. By the time that she offered that to me, I didn't need it anymore. The forgiveness was for myself and a way of letting go. I think we all still are tested constantly in some small way of this. I think when we have a hard time forgiving, because we do not feel validated by our pain or by the person who caused the pain. We want them to understand the pain they caused in order for us to forgive. I was tested of this in a recent relationship, and it took a little time to forgive and let go. This is a continued process that I am learning from and I am actively pursuing learning when I am trying reach out to a country that is in dyer need of forgiveness.
As Christians, we have the rare opportunity to always know forgiveness when we ask of it from God. We can also always get the ultimate validation of our pain from God. My favorite verse has always been a faithful promise and comforting validation of my pain when no one seems to understand. I am not in pain anymore, but my heart goes out to those that are.
2 Corinthians 12:9-12 (New International Version)
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I realize this process can seem a dramatic view of sorts, but even in the smallest of situations, you can find this applicable.
I hope that this children's book will become a peace and comfort to a struggling child. As a child, they have unique view of this world that I aspire to live with. Their downfall is that often times, negative experiences can be viewed as a "trauma" and can wound them deeply, not to mention kids can be cruel and without a kind filter. This book should hopefully bring simply a concept that will last them a lifetime. I hope to make it into a series dedicated to educating children about different marine animals with a life message. Chris suggested I do fruits of the spirit. My next animal will be the Beluga, but God has yet to reveal to me the message he wants me give to the children. I am excited:)
*As a side not, please pray for the work I will do in Rwanda and for traveling mercy.
Forgiveness has taken on more significance as I am preparing for my trip to Rwanda. These people have endured the most horrific of circumstances and have every reason to be angry and bitter. I learned the hard way, hanging on to that kind of anger and bitterness only hurts you and your loved ones. I experienced a "trauma" in my life and had a hard time recovering. This is going to be my message to Rwanda, that from that trauma, I chose to forgive. It wasn't my first choice. I carried the pain of it for 6 years before letting go. Even more amazing is one of the people responsible for that pain ran into me while I was working at Forest Home and told me while I was life-guarding, "I don't know if you remember me, but I am sorry if I was ever a bitch to you. I have been praying for you ever since." Not many people get that kind of random act of redemption. By the time that she offered that to me, I didn't need it anymore. The forgiveness was for myself and a way of letting go. I think we all still are tested constantly in some small way of this. I think when we have a hard time forgiving, because we do not feel validated by our pain or by the person who caused the pain. We want them to understand the pain they caused in order for us to forgive. I was tested of this in a recent relationship, and it took a little time to forgive and let go. This is a continued process that I am learning from and I am actively pursuing learning when I am trying reach out to a country that is in dyer need of forgiveness.
As Christians, we have the rare opportunity to always know forgiveness when we ask of it from God. We can also always get the ultimate validation of our pain from God. My favorite verse has always been a faithful promise and comforting validation of my pain when no one seems to understand. I am not in pain anymore, but my heart goes out to those that are.
2 Corinthians 12:9-12 (New International Version)
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I realize this process can seem a dramatic view of sorts, but even in the smallest of situations, you can find this applicable.
I hope that this children's book will become a peace and comfort to a struggling child. As a child, they have unique view of this world that I aspire to live with. Their downfall is that often times, negative experiences can be viewed as a "trauma" and can wound them deeply, not to mention kids can be cruel and without a kind filter. This book should hopefully bring simply a concept that will last them a lifetime. I hope to make it into a series dedicated to educating children about different marine animals with a life message. Chris suggested I do fruits of the spirit. My next animal will be the Beluga, but God has yet to reveal to me the message he wants me give to the children. I am excited:)
*As a side not, please pray for the work I will do in Rwanda and for traveling mercy.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Chapter 10: My new Beginning
As I am preparing for my trip to Rwanda, I was still finding myself disconnected from the experience. I have trusted in what the Lord has in store for me. I have expressed my lack of feeling divinely called to this trip. When I saw victims of Katrina, I knew I would be there for reasons I didn't understand. It was all so so easy it seemed when God would pluck me from my everyday life and wrap me warmly in the comfort of a new adventure beyond my understanding. I never questioned it or felt fearful. This trip scares me. I have no idea why I am going, but I am old enough now to understand God's faithfulness to a heart devoted to extending his kingdom. That's a no brainer for me. I have felt that this trip was not about the trip itself, but about the faithful preparation God had in store for me. He had to work on my disconnect and create in me a peace about this trip where I have already questioned and experienced fear.
Divine intervention manifests itself in many forms. I have experienced it at so many levels and through so many mundane instances. Mine seems to have come through a book, or rather a powerful story of forgiveness and God's unwavering Love. I have never read a book so fast in all my life. My neck hurts from laying in my bed, trying to find comfortable reading positions. This story took me to places I have been fearful of. It is the story a Rwandan woman who loses her family to the genocide in the most gruesome way. She hides a in teeny bathroom for 3 months with 6 other women. As hopeless as this story could been, it was far from it. She had more peace in that little bathroom then people have in their nice, safe homes. I envied her in that bathroom at times. She was relentless in her pursuit for peace with God and in the end was somehow able to forgive a man who killed her family. It is only through God that that is possible. I sobbed enduring her story. She then concluded with where her life is now and that she has been able to move on and have a full life. This ripped at my heart. I feel as if I have been stagnant in my own growth. Life has moved on, but something has been keeping me back. When I read her story, she claimed the root of her ability to move on was the result of her pursuit of God and willingness to forgive. I then had a piercing moment of clarity. I had forgiven those that tortured me so many years ago. It took me 6 years and people telling that I didn't deserve what I went through to help me to begin to learn to forgive them. I made my peace with God who I blamed for my pain for not intervening at such a helpless time. I forgave everyone who ever wronged me and learn to make peace with them and their situations, so what else would be left? It became abundantly clear to me that the only one left to forgive, was myself. I have spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time making myself suffer and endure a painful eating disorder. I subjected my precious heart and mind to the most awful sin. I am the only one left to blame, and therein the only one left to forgive. No one knows what goes on in my heart the way God and I do. It has been a battle that I have dragged myself through since I was in 6th grade. It started when I doubted God. I think at the deepest level. I had made up my mind that suicide was an answer or if I continued to live, that I would be the one who would have the ultimate control over my life. I have lived in fear ever since. I have had the embarrassing panic attack more then I am willing to admit.
I had taken over control and felt more out of control. As result of this, I have lived in reaction to what other people did in their own life, and tried to live off the scraps of the "control" that they had created. This is a process I believe I am struggling to recover from, but I believe it begins with my learning to forgive myself of my past and my burdened mind. I am hopeful and I feel more connected to this trip then I ever have. I am ready to be transformed for God's keeping.
*You can read this story too. Be prepared to be taken along an unforgettable journey that will lead you to God. It will be a deeper understanding of his love and I believe every person should read it. It is called "Left to Tell" By Immaculee Ilibagi.
Divine intervention manifests itself in many forms. I have experienced it at so many levels and through so many mundane instances. Mine seems to have come through a book, or rather a powerful story of forgiveness and God's unwavering Love. I have never read a book so fast in all my life. My neck hurts from laying in my bed, trying to find comfortable reading positions. This story took me to places I have been fearful of. It is the story a Rwandan woman who loses her family to the genocide in the most gruesome way. She hides a in teeny bathroom for 3 months with 6 other women. As hopeless as this story could been, it was far from it. She had more peace in that little bathroom then people have in their nice, safe homes. I envied her in that bathroom at times. She was relentless in her pursuit for peace with God and in the end was somehow able to forgive a man who killed her family. It is only through God that that is possible. I sobbed enduring her story. She then concluded with where her life is now and that she has been able to move on and have a full life. This ripped at my heart. I feel as if I have been stagnant in my own growth. Life has moved on, but something has been keeping me back. When I read her story, she claimed the root of her ability to move on was the result of her pursuit of God and willingness to forgive. I then had a piercing moment of clarity. I had forgiven those that tortured me so many years ago. It took me 6 years and people telling that I didn't deserve what I went through to help me to begin to learn to forgive them. I made my peace with God who I blamed for my pain for not intervening at such a helpless time. I forgave everyone who ever wronged me and learn to make peace with them and their situations, so what else would be left? It became abundantly clear to me that the only one left to forgive, was myself. I have spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time making myself suffer and endure a painful eating disorder. I subjected my precious heart and mind to the most awful sin. I am the only one left to blame, and therein the only one left to forgive. No one knows what goes on in my heart the way God and I do. It has been a battle that I have dragged myself through since I was in 6th grade. It started when I doubted God. I think at the deepest level. I had made up my mind that suicide was an answer or if I continued to live, that I would be the one who would have the ultimate control over my life. I have lived in fear ever since. I have had the embarrassing panic attack more then I am willing to admit.
I had taken over control and felt more out of control. As result of this, I have lived in reaction to what other people did in their own life, and tried to live off the scraps of the "control" that they had created. This is a process I believe I am struggling to recover from, but I believe it begins with my learning to forgive myself of my past and my burdened mind. I am hopeful and I feel more connected to this trip then I ever have. I am ready to be transformed for God's keeping.
*You can read this story too. Be prepared to be taken along an unforgettable journey that will lead you to God. It will be a deeper understanding of his love and I believe every person should read it. It is called "Left to Tell" By Immaculee Ilibagi.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Bus stop
I recently attended a friend's graduation at CBU. On the way to meet this friend for lunch, I noticed something strange at the bus stop. There sat a gentleman in his cap and gown waiting for a bus. I thought to myself how strange it is that this man had no friend or loved one to attend his most significant day and take him to lunch to celebrate. Somehow, this man made it to classes and received his degree with no car and apparently no support system. To top it all off, he was wearing the gold chord, which represented his GPA of 3.0 or above. So not only did this gentleman make it to class with all these obstacles, but he was able to push himself to excellence. I regret not turning around and offering to give him a ride home.
This image of him has stuck in my head, especially as I am preparing to go back to school. You could call school my Kryptonite. In the past I have become incredibly overwhelmed, to the point that I would just rather give up then continue on in the madness of my mind. I have overcome major obstacles and I believe I have come out a better woman. No matter what I do, it always comes back to school. I have to do it. I need to do it. My not finishing or attempting to ever face this major fear of mine will be proof of my giving up. I am still not completely certain of the career path I would like to head into. I am what you call an ADD interest whore. I just made that up:) I will become consumed with something and fall madly in love and this will last about 3wks to a month. So I am worried about what I will eventually put myself into. There are people that go all throughout college "knowing" what they are to do and getting out into the real world to find out, it's not what they really want. I knew a woman who went through her BA in Psychology and even finished her master's only to find that she wanted to be a vet. My brother went through college as an Art major, which then turned into an attempt at a teaching credential, only to find he hated that. He is now a Park Ranger. Did you see that one coming? I didn't.
I have run out of my chances to waste money and play around. No more excuses. That guy on that bus stop had everything working against him and he made it through with honors. It is my chance now to push myself through what is adult and the not so fun stuff. I am still fearful simply because of my past with school, but I feel that my head and heart are in a different place. So we'll see right?
This image of him has stuck in my head, especially as I am preparing to go back to school. You could call school my Kryptonite. In the past I have become incredibly overwhelmed, to the point that I would just rather give up then continue on in the madness of my mind. I have overcome major obstacles and I believe I have come out a better woman. No matter what I do, it always comes back to school. I have to do it. I need to do it. My not finishing or attempting to ever face this major fear of mine will be proof of my giving up. I am still not completely certain of the career path I would like to head into. I am what you call an ADD interest whore. I just made that up:) I will become consumed with something and fall madly in love and this will last about 3wks to a month. So I am worried about what I will eventually put myself into. There are people that go all throughout college "knowing" what they are to do and getting out into the real world to find out, it's not what they really want. I knew a woman who went through her BA in Psychology and even finished her master's only to find that she wanted to be a vet. My brother went through college as an Art major, which then turned into an attempt at a teaching credential, only to find he hated that. He is now a Park Ranger. Did you see that one coming? I didn't.
I have run out of my chances to waste money and play around. No more excuses. That guy on that bus stop had everything working against him and he made it through with honors. It is my chance now to push myself through what is adult and the not so fun stuff. I am still fearful simply because of my past with school, but I feel that my head and heart are in a different place. So we'll see right?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Another year gone by. .
This is usually the time of year to begin to make New Year's resolutions and reminisce about the past year. Resolutions for me are usually the same. Lose weight and learn to do the splits. That part is easy. The looking back at my year can bring a smile or sometimes throw me back into the gauntlet of pain I experienced at a time during the year. In this time of reflection, I can say what brings me happiness. That is always to easier start in my reflection.
First off, the happy things
-Chris getting a job that he loves and excels in. I knew he would do well when given the chance, and he has not disappointed me.
-My job at the Mission Inn. I hate it and love it at the same time, but I am mostly thankful for a job.
-Gas went down significantly.
-Chris and I got back together and are better then ever:)
- Baby Collin and Baby Avery were born.
-Tina Fey played an amazing Palin. It's iconic.
-Wounds with friend(s) seem to have healed and found peace.
-HSM 3 came out.
-I saw Wicked for the 2nd time.
-I celebrated a San Fran style Anniversary of 2 yrs.
-My mother opened the first Christian counseling center in Rwanda, Africa.
-I registered to vote. . .finally. I am registered as an "Emotional Republican" and in the next 4 yrs., I will help in determining who the next president will be.
-I bought my first car that I love. She is a Yaris called Roxie Heart and I so thankful for her.
-My broken toe left me out of work with time off enough to be able to spend the holidays with Loved ones. It was a blessing in disguise.
-Heath Ledger played what I believe will be one the most brilliant characters in history. The movie was a thought provoking look at our morality and it was a wildly entertaining movie.
. . .and the list goes on.
This had been quite a year for me. It feels as if my world was turned upside down. Oprah promised it would be my best year and now I don't believe everything she says. I am not bitter at all about these troubles, just a little disappointed.
-My Grandma, the only Grandparent I have ever known passed away. That was a crazy time. My mom put her underwear on backwards and we all lost our minds a little bit. Abby sang a song that started with "Grandma Ginny go to heaven". Thank God for laughter during that time. It was a drawn out process.
-I became estranged briefly with 3 best friends of mine, at the same time. That's quite a pickle. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Sometimes, I guess you have to learn the hard way and I had a lot of learning to do.
-The Mr. Bowmont died. (I am actually kind of relieved that happen.)
-I entered into what is known as a long-distance relationship. It sucks and I wish I could see him everyday.
-Veronica graduated and moved back home. Who does that?
-Bettie Page died.
-My dreaded broken toe. It has been a little ridiculous and I am still out of work. I have surgery on January 23 for my precious toe.
-Heath Ledger died and has now left a hole in the future of cinema(Chris Nolans words, not mine). It is a great loss. It will be a very hard role for someone to take on the Joker the way Heath did and have the same impact.
With all this reflection, I can speak of my plans for this year.
-I am planning a trip to Rwanda, Africa. I am going with my parents who encouraged me to go. This will be a wonderful experience that I hope will continue to go on in our family's history.
-I plan to go back to school. This toe thing has made it difficult for planning. Last time, they told me a week before I would have my surgery.
-I am planning on moving up North after Africa. My life is down here and it has been a difficult decision to make, but Lord willing, I am going to be relocating my life to a place that only feels like home because the man I love is there.
-I hope to be engaged by the end of this year, but everything is in its own timing especially when it comes to something as big as a marriage:)
-I am hoping to be the proud owner of an English Bulldog from a family friend and it will be called Byron or Bingley.
So far that is what I can think of. I hope your year of 2008 was a year that you can look fondly on. This year is your best year, as Oprah would say. We are going to do great things. . . .I hope. Our economy is in a slump and we have a world of problems, but I think we are a more willing people for change, growth and success.
First off, the happy things
-Chris getting a job that he loves and excels in. I knew he would do well when given the chance, and he has not disappointed me.
-My job at the Mission Inn. I hate it and love it at the same time, but I am mostly thankful for a job.
-Gas went down significantly.
-Chris and I got back together and are better then ever:)
- Baby Collin and Baby Avery were born.
-Tina Fey played an amazing Palin. It's iconic.
-Wounds with friend(s) seem to have healed and found peace.
-HSM 3 came out.
-I saw Wicked for the 2nd time.
-I celebrated a San Fran style Anniversary of 2 yrs.
-My mother opened the first Christian counseling center in Rwanda, Africa.
-I registered to vote. . .finally. I am registered as an "Emotional Republican" and in the next 4 yrs., I will help in determining who the next president will be.
-I bought my first car that I love. She is a Yaris called Roxie Heart and I so thankful for her.
-My broken toe left me out of work with time off enough to be able to spend the holidays with Loved ones. It was a blessing in disguise.
-Heath Ledger played what I believe will be one the most brilliant characters in history. The movie was a thought provoking look at our morality and it was a wildly entertaining movie.
. . .and the list goes on.
This had been quite a year for me. It feels as if my world was turned upside down. Oprah promised it would be my best year and now I don't believe everything she says. I am not bitter at all about these troubles, just a little disappointed.
-My Grandma, the only Grandparent I have ever known passed away. That was a crazy time. My mom put her underwear on backwards and we all lost our minds a little bit. Abby sang a song that started with "Grandma Ginny go to heaven". Thank God for laughter during that time. It was a drawn out process.
-I became estranged briefly with 3 best friends of mine, at the same time. That's quite a pickle. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Sometimes, I guess you have to learn the hard way and I had a lot of learning to do.
-The Mr. Bowmont died. (I am actually kind of relieved that happen.)
-I entered into what is known as a long-distance relationship. It sucks and I wish I could see him everyday.
-Veronica graduated and moved back home. Who does that?
-Bettie Page died.
-My dreaded broken toe. It has been a little ridiculous and I am still out of work. I have surgery on January 23 for my precious toe.
-Heath Ledger died and has now left a hole in the future of cinema(Chris Nolans words, not mine). It is a great loss. It will be a very hard role for someone to take on the Joker the way Heath did and have the same impact.
With all this reflection, I can speak of my plans for this year.
-I am planning a trip to Rwanda, Africa. I am going with my parents who encouraged me to go. This will be a wonderful experience that I hope will continue to go on in our family's history.
-I plan to go back to school. This toe thing has made it difficult for planning. Last time, they told me a week before I would have my surgery.
-I am planning on moving up North after Africa. My life is down here and it has been a difficult decision to make, but Lord willing, I am going to be relocating my life to a place that only feels like home because the man I love is there.
-I hope to be engaged by the end of this year, but everything is in its own timing especially when it comes to something as big as a marriage:)
-I am hoping to be the proud owner of an English Bulldog from a family friend and it will be called Byron or Bingley.
So far that is what I can think of. I hope your year of 2008 was a year that you can look fondly on. This year is your best year, as Oprah would say. We are going to do great things. . . .I hope. Our economy is in a slump and we have a world of problems, but I think we are a more willing people for change, growth and success.
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